Here is the best way that I can explain it. Imagine that you are meeting someone for the first time or going on an interview or something to that fact you get nervous. Now take what your nervous about (you know the butterflies in your stomach) and multiply that by the biggest number you can think of as the worse case scenario. Now when you are not dealing with the worse case scenario remember what your regular nervousness feels like when you are in some of the scenarios I mentioned above. That feeling that you have the first time you meet someone, or go on an interview, speak in public, go on a first date that is what I feel all the time 24 hours a day, everyday. When you are someone like me the nervous butterflies never go away! They are always there; the only difference is the level at which it is. My normal level is what you feel when you do any of those things. My higher level get to a point where I sweat, twitch, feel like I'm being touched all over, I stutter, and I am overwhelmed by a fear that no one can understand.
I was never really afraid of anything that I thought of but when my sickness came to the forefront I realized that I have been afraid of a lot of things that people just didn't know about. My mom had me when she was in her late 30's so when I was younger I used to worry about her dying. She always worked but she worked for years with back problems that caused her so much pain and I worried and you know that is a lot for a young kid to worry about. I used to be afraid about the things that go bump in the night like so many people in the world are but not anymore. I am more afraid of the world and the people around me than ghosts and things like that. Since I started writing about stuff like angels, ghosts and demons and shit like that I lost the fear for it and for some reason the role became reversed. I'll explain what I mean in a minute.
The depression hits when you realized that you are in the middle of a panic attack and you really get depressed when you have such a bad one that you literally pass out. Unfortunately for me I have at least one panic attack everyday and I have bad ones at lest 4 or 5 times a month and I had one today May 5th 2015. I passed out earlier from a bad attack and I can tell you when you wake up you are not rested...not rested at all. If anything you feel like you just went toe to toe with a prize fighter in a 12 round fight. You're exhausted! You are completely wiped out from the initial attack and then from the depression. The personality disorder is what it is all nicely wrapped up into.
I keep to myself most of the time and I don't go out much because I am too afraid of what's out there but I try and go out at least once a day (usually to walk 4 to 5 miles) as part of therapy. I want to make something clear: we have heard so much about people with mental illness on television when someone go out and shoots or attacks someone or someplace but not all of us are like that. I don't have any violent tendencies and don't believe everything that you see on the news or TV about someone who is Bi-Polar and the medicines they take. Borderline personality disorder is just any word for Bi-Polar and not everyone go nuts. Just because you take something for depression, anxiety, Bi-Polarism or any other mental illness doesn't automatically make you crazy.
For example and to explain what I said I would earlier. After my mother died ten years ago I started to hear and see things that weren't there but they weren't telling me to do anything wrong. I am not saying that there weren't some that were all nice and cozy but when (if these things were real) realized that I wouldn't do what they were telling me things changed. Everything that I started to see (call them ghosts, spirits or whatever) whether they were good or bad all seemed to be afraid of me. I wouldn't hear anything unless I initiated contact first and even then it seemed like whomever or whatever was talking to me was walking on egg shells and being very cautious about what they were saying.
At first I didn't know what it was and yes I did think I was going crazy but then I realized I wasn't. Then when the sickness that I had been able to bury for almost 37 years erupted I thought that I was crazy then because of everything and because of what I was seeing and hearing. However that isn't the case. While I suffer form mental illness and told by my counselor and doctor that I may never be able to work again I still have my sanity (at least to a point.) I know the difference between right and wrong, my children that I raise on my own (ten years now on my own) are more important to me than anything and for that reason I will never hurt myself.
To tell you the truth the anxiety is so bad that I believe that I am just afraid of being afraid. I don't want sympathy I just wish I had someone in my life (a girlfriend maybe) who would have a shoulder for me to cry on (yes I do cry and no I don't give a fuck if anyone knows because a real man admits anything and everything; a cowardly man hides). I don't have that in my life and if I do meet someone (because I don't lie) I tell them about what's wrong with me right away so they can get out if they want before we get close. It doesn't mean that I still don't wish that I had that special woman in my life to be my rock when I don't have the strength to hold myself up. Now I always bounce back that is a given; I have to because of my kids (I am the only parent they have). However with every attack and even worse attacks the bounce back takes longer. Night time is the worst because my children are alone and I don't sleep much (especially after a bad attack) but at night I'm alone. Now as much as a love my cat "Buddy" and he always seems to sit with me when he knows I'm not doing well it's not the same even though I appreciate my little fur ball. However I would be lying if I didn't say that I was scared because I am and because the anxiety never goes away neither does the fear.
Don't judge someone just because they take some medication or see a counselor or doctor for what's going on in his or her heads. Try to be understanding. Trust me their is a difference between mental illness and someone that is butt fuck crazy (i.e. the Denver theater shootings a few years back at the "Dark Knight" premier). That muthafuker was and is crazy but not everyone is like that. I don't ming letting people know what I have so they can understand that not everyone that has what I have wants to kill someone or kill themselves. I'm afraid and sad right now but like I said I will bounce back and you will hear from me again.
TheMaximusKane
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